The Alpha Desire

If God was to be found at the very beginning of my salvation, if He was and is the very reason that I love Him, that is to say that because He loved me first I am therefore enabled to love Him, does He not continue to be at the forefront of all my "righteous" desires? Doesn't He HAVE to be? I am not locking God down into anything here. I am just trying to understand this concept. If all my "righteous deeds and desires" can be traced back to the moving and motives of the indwelling spirit within me, how can I pray for more? How can I have a stronger desire to walk and KNOW what it means to walk in the spirit more so? How do I desire God if it is He who causes me to desire Him? I am still very much confused by this whole idea of "self" and have almost entirely rejected the idea of free will. I understand that I am responsible for my wickedness, even if it has in fact been ordained by God, but that is not what keeps me awake at night. How do I desire Him MORE if He has to put that desire in me? I can't get behind that desire and push it up that hill to heaven. God is and always is going to be one step behind me, pushing me up. I want to be holy because He put that desire in me. I want to be righteous because He put that desire in me. I want to please Him because he put that desire in me. I can't go on some pilgrimage and get an upgrade of my spiritual self. I can't build up my faith in a factory and reinforce it with the strongest metal. He has to. I am helpless to grow unless He causes me to do so.

CAUSE ME TO GROW FATHER!!!!!!!!